Favorite Songs Nobody loves me like my old tomato can If you were a statue and I were a pigeon blues Now that you’ve lost all your teeth I can see the shadow of your smile

Mr. Harry’s Opus Many of you know that in addition to writing this column I am a musician and composer. I mention this because last Sunday my musical composition “Woodbridge” was premiered by the West Central Concert Band in Ferris State University’s Williams Auditorium. The musical composition itself is a four movement suite which I was originally going to name “The Once Upon a Time in the Small Logging Village of Big Rapids (Formerly Leonard) a Man by the Name of Ferris Came to Town and Started a University Bossa Nova.” You can only imagine my surprise when I found out that title had already been taken, So, instead I decided to just call it Woodbridge in honor of Woodbridge Nathan Ferris. Writing music is a time-consuming and risky creative business. It involves the nesessity of having to research styles, labor over complex counterpoint, weave complicated and unrelated ideas together and consume many non-caffeinated beverages. And that’s just to come up with a title. For the composer, after laboring long and hard over a composition, it is an indescribably rewarding experience to finally hear your work performed live. It is somewhat comparable to the joy, satisfaction and relief felt by a hamster that has just delivered a camel. As the composer of the work I’d like to unequivocally thank all of you who came to the performance for your warm response to the work. I am humbled by your enthusiastic reaction and kindness (not to mention obvious good taste)! As far as the people who came to the performance and slept through or were bored by the work, may a diseased bovine flavor your mocha. And for those of you who didn’t show up at all, don’t even worry about the legend that because you showed disrespect for FSU’s founder that the original institute’s cabinet will return from the great beyond and hold weekly tuition meetings in your family room. I’d also like to thank all the fine musicians in the band who did such an outstanding job performing the work! (However for the musicians who missed entrances, “clammed” notes and slaughtered accidentals, I know where you live.) Ha-Ha! Just kidding! The band did an amazing job of putting this concert together in a very short period of time. Even though I conducted the suite at the concert, it could not have been performed without the support of WCCB director Jamie McCleod who graciously scheduled rehearsal time for the composition. The composition is written for concert band in four continuous movements and includes a narration consisting of quotes and ideas from Mr. Ferris in between each. Since Woodbridge was the first president of the university, I wanted someone of similar stature to read the narration at the performance. I had considered asking President Clinton, but then remembered that since Hillary was out of town in New York that his evenings were probably going to be taken up with the AFFAIRS of state. Since Mr. Ferris had also been governor of Michigan, I considered Governor Engler for narrator. I then realized that he was probably too preoccupied trying to explain how even though George W. had lost the Michigan primary to McCain, it was actually somehow a major victory for Mr. Bush (spin: “Bush by a landslide in the pivotal primary at Bad Axe!”) Fortunately for me and for music aficionados everywhere though, the obvious top choice for narrator agreed to read the words of Mr. Ferris (although actually, I guess my first choice should have been Mr. Ferris himself were he not presently indisposed). FSU President William Sederburg consented to act as narrator and gave a stirring and vibrant interpretation to the quotes of Mr. Ferris. Off-stage he was, however, troubled by Mr. Ferris’ description of the qualities which make an individual “well-orbed.” We are not exactly sure what Mr. Ferris meant by “well-orbed.” Visions of rotund individuals at buffet tables come to mind. Or perhaps he may have been referring to individuals with Charlie Brown-type heads. I suspect that it may have even had something to do with his involvement in the practice of “phrenology,” which Woodbridge used to deliver “oral delineations of character” of individuals based on lumps upon their craniums ($.25 per individual session with family rates available). I don’t hold his belief in this practice against Mr. Ferris because I sort of wonder what people 100 years from now will think about our generation’s preoccupation with new age philosophies, meditation, horoscopes, liposuction, the Psychic Network, Judge Judy, rap music and Regis Philbin. In any event I want to thank everyone involved for his or her efforts in insuring the success of the performance. The composition was written to celebrate Ferris State University’s entrance into the New Millennium and to honor the beliefs and philosophies of its visionary founder. Many talented people came together to help insure that this would be a quality tribute. Woodbridge, this one’s for you!

A right to sink the blues We interpret sound waves through a very complicated process which scientists refer to as “interpreting sound waves through a very complicated process.” Sound allows us to verbally communicate our thoughts, emotions, convictions, beliefs and opinions to friends, relations, strangers, foreigners and even to people from the Upper Peninsula. Because we are only human (with the exception, of course, of the IRS), we sometimes misinterpret that which we are hearing. Nowhere is this more evident than in listening to recorded music. For example, in the early 1970’s, I labored under the impression that the song “Ventura Highway” by the group “America” began with the phrase “Juno pizza crabs.” I had no idea what they were getting at with this phrase (perhaps a warning concerning some sort of California Italian food infestation), but this was from an era when John Lennon was convinced that he was the “egg-man,” as well as the “walrus” and that we all lived in a yellow submarine, so I didn’t question the logic. It wasn’t until much later that some friends (who in fact now reside in California) pointed out that I was mishearing the lyrics and what was actually being sung was not “Juno pizza crabs,” but “Chewin’ on a piece of grass.” This sort of thing happens a lot. In the song “She Caught the Katy” by the Blues Brothers, I was sure that the phrase: “The train pulled out, I swung on behind” was actually “The train pulled out, I swore on a pie.” Again logic has nothing to do with it. It’s what we hear, so it must make sense even if it really doesn’t. A good friend from Pittsburgh is convinced that the song “Brandy” by the group “Looking Glass” features a boyfriend named “Luddy.” She bases this on her mishearing of the song’s lyrics “He had always told the truth, Lord, he was an honest man” as instead being “He had always told the truth, Luddy was an honest man.” I’m sure that we all know instances where this has occurred in our own interpretations, as well as in the interpretations made by others around us. I remember my father-in-law singing along at a full lumber-camp volume with the Oak Ridge Boys’ early ‘80’s hit “Elvira,” misinterpreting the key phrase, “My heart’s on fire, ELVIRA!” to be instead “My heart’s on fire, H--- FIRE UP!” In the interest of civic education and as a public service to anyone who’s ever sung or endured others singing the wrong words or taking lyric liberties, here are some other commonly misinterpreted song lyrics: Song: “Groovin’” - The Rascals Actual lyrics: “Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly” Misinterpreted as: “Life would be ecstasy, you and me and Leslie” Song: “America the Beautiful” Actual lyrics: “Oh beautiful for spacious skies” Misinterpreted as: “Oh beautiful four spaceship guys” Song: “Leroy Brown” - Jim Croce Actual lyrics: “Meaner than a junkyard dog” Misinterpreted as: “Meaner than a junkyard duck” Song: “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights” - Freddie Fender Misinterpreted as: “Wave to Daves and wave to Mikes” Song: “Blue Suede Shoes” - Carl Perkins (Elvis Presley) Actual lyrics: “You can drink my liquor from an old fruit jar” Misinterpreted as: “You can drain my liver in an old fruit jar” Song: “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” - Elton John Actual lyrics: “It’s enough to make kings of vagabonds” Misinterpreted as: “It’s enough to make cheese and crackers on” Song: “The Christmas Song” - Mel Torme Actual lyrics: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost ripping at your nose” Misinterpreted as: “Chipmunks roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost ripping at your clothes” Song: “Age of Aquarius” - The Fifth Dimension Actual lyrics: “This is the dawning of the age of Aquaruius...” Misinterpreted as: “This is the dawning of the age of malaria...” Song: “Dance to the Music” - Sly and the family Stone Actual lyrics: “I’m gonna’ add some bottom, so that the dancers ‘a just won’t hide” Misinterpreted as: “I’m gonna’ add some bottom, so you can dance with ‘a just one eye” Song: “Rock the Boat” - The Hughes Corporation Actual lyrics: “Well I’d like to know where, you got the notion” Misinterpreted as: “Well I’d like to know where, you got the nose from” Song: “Drift Away” - Dobie Gray Actual lyrics: “Give me the beat boys and free my soul” Misinterpreted as: “Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul” Song: “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” - Pat Benatar Misinterpreted as: “Hit Me With Your Pet Shark” Song: “I Fall to Pieces” - Patsy Cline Actual lyrics: “I fall to pieces - you walk by and I fall to pieces” Misinterpreted as: “I call for pizzas - you won’t buy, so I call for pizzas” Song: “Your Song” - Elton John Actual lyrics: “If I was a sculptor, but then again no” Misinterpreted as: “If I was a skeleton, but then again a gnome” Song: “Windy” - The Association Actual lyrics: “Who’s sweepin’ down to capture a moment?” Misinterpreted as: “Who’s creapin’ down to capture a Mormon?” Song: “Take Me Home Country Roads” - John Denver Actual lyrics: “Younger than the mountains, growin’ like a breeze” Misinterpreted as: “Younger than the mountains, growin’ lima beans” Song: “Something” - The Beatles Actual lyrics: “Something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover” Misinterpreted as: “Something in the way she moos, attracts me to her mother’s lover” I hope that clears up all your musical misconceptions. However, if you have any lyrics to add to my list, please send them on.